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5 Tips For Time Travelers Visiting Wyoming [SATIRE]

Rod Taylor In 'The Time Machine'
Hulton Archive/Getty Images

In the news, a man was arrested in Casper who claimed he was a time traveler from 2048. As most thought this was just a zany and crazy excuse for being drunk in public, as a time traveler myself – lol – I thought I’d offer him some tips.


Math and Booze Don’t Mix




It takes some heavy duty math to travel through time. It also requires the body to be in a complete state of inebriation. This problem has pledged time travelers for years. So many never made their jump and ended embedded in a solid hunk of steal or drowned in the middle of the ocean because of lousy calculus. Get someone else to do the math while you get wasted. Be smart.


A Good Team Makes It Happen



Alien portrait.

You need a team to travel through time. Marty McFly had Doc. Bill and Ted had Rufus. There is no nice way around it, but don’t trust the Grays. Those aliens are tricksters and cause all sorts of problems in the galaxy. They started the whole probing thing because they were bored. That should tell you volumes.


Change Takes Time and Time Changes Everything




Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned; and, Time, she is one bad ass mamma jamma. When you attempt to change fate, Mama gets cranky. Do you want to piss of the eternal entity who chooses when you die? You can bargain, but it always comes at a significant cost. Defectors usually get thrown into the luny bin or branded drunks.


The Butterfly Effect



Flying butterflies

It is a little-known fact that butterflies secrete an enzyme that helps make shifting through time dimensions easier. And when I say secrete I mean poop. Yeah, butterfly poo is a time travel lubricant.


Bring the Gatekeeper Fried Chicken



Homemade Southern Fried Chicken

At the confluence of time and space is the Gatekeeper. He loves fried chicken the fresher, the better. People usually try to bring money which is useless as an immortal. But a good fried chicken that is priceless. Some sweet tea would be good, too. Don’t skimp on the sides.

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